Imagine a World...
Throughout this blog series, I have discussed the meaning of intraconnection, how it relates to interconnection, as well as some of the major factors necessary to begin the journey, including self-awareness, vulnerability and courage. Given what you’ve learned so far, I want you to imagine what a life of intraconnection could look like for you.
I will present the story of Sophie, a former client of mine who discovered intraconnection after a long history of avoidance and living life on autopilot. Her name and other identifying factors have been changed to protect confidentiality.
Sophie came to me for therapy because she was feeling depressed. She reported feeling tired constantly, having random crying spells and feeling indifferent about seeing her friends. She also reported experiencing anxiety and self-doubt on a regular basis. As a fifth-year senior at CU-Boulder she reported feeling “so ready” to graduate but also “terrified” for life post college. She would say to me, “what if my life up to this point has been a total joke? I still don’t have a job lined up and I feel like I’m failing as an adult.”
Over the last five years she has spent her time working hard in her classes and in her social life. She reported integrating a “work hard, play hard” mentality into her weekly routine. Aside from school work and partying, this mentality also included her diet and time spent at the gym. Sophie expected herself to get to the gym every day. If she did not make it to the gym, she would “punish” herself by restricting her diet. She explained she has been doing some version of this since high school, but it got worse in college. When I asked Sophie why she felt she needed to do this, she said “when I look in the mirror I feel ugly. I always think I should be thinner and prettier.” She also explained, “people see me as someone who is succeeding in life. I do well in school, I’m the life of the party and have a lot of friends. It is important that people see me as thin and attractive or it will all fall apart.”
Sophie knew she was struggling, but she had no idea what could be done about it. She explained, “I am afraid that after trying so hard for so long to be perfect, the truth will come out that I am just not good enough.” Sophie described this as her biggest fear: not being good enough.
After a few sessions of getting to know Sophie, I encouraged her to start writing in an “intra-journal”, which I provided for her. I asked her to keep it on her as often as possible and to take notes on her internal experience, including detailed descriptions of any thoughts, feelings, behaviors, reactions to people and situations, etc. I made it clear that she should not place judgment on the internal experience, just notice it, accept it, and write it down. Naturally, Sophie struggled with this part of the process. She already struggled with perfectionism and self-criticism so not placing judgement on her internal experience was certain to be difficult! I assured her this was normal and would take some practice. Just keep noticing!
After a few weeks of intra-journaling and processing in session, Sophie started to become aware of some “pain points” in her life. For example, through noticing her self-criticism and her “need to be perfect” she began to question who she learned that from. This question led her to memories as a child when her father would criticize and dismiss her. She finally understood: her whole life she has been operating to be “good enough” for him. She realized, “if I could just be thin enough, or pretty enough, or popular enough, or successful enough, than maybe he would show me the love and attention I have always wanted from him.”
This experience demonstrates the power of self-awareness (noticing pain-points), courage (choosing to dive within and find out more) and vulnerability (letting herself sit with the pain of rejection from her father).
Sophie continued to see me for a few months and we worked through numerous issues in her life. I encouraged her to continue noticing (self-awareness) and helped her navigate through areas that prompted further exploration. During these sessions Sophie experienced many moments of sadness, anger, and fear. She also experienced surprising moments of relief, gratitude, and joy. Sophie was afraid to let go of perfection but we worked together to create small steps toward a big goal. For example, I asked Sophie to notice when she felt the urge to exercise or restrict her diet, and to ask herself “am I doing this for myself or for other people?” If she chose the latter, her challenge was to not give in to the urge, but instead lean into the discomfort that followed. Courage was essential for Sophie in these moments because she was forced to sit with her greatest fears (i.e. “what if people won’t accept me?”, “what if I am not good enough?”). Months of support and genuine self-exploration gave Sophie the confidence to let herself be vulnerable and feel relief from anxiety and self doubt.
By the end of my time with Sophie, she described herself as feeling “more relaxed and open minded.” She reported feeling “excited for the future,” which she had not felt “in a long time.” By no means did this process “cure” Sophie of her problems. She will continue to struggle with perfectionism, and depression and anxiety will likely surface from time to time. But our work together provided her with new tools and a new perspective. She now has the power to look at her life and make decisions instead of reacting on autopilot. She has a better idea of who she is and who she wants to be. She actually likes herself. She is on the path to intraconnection.
Sophie’s story is a clear example of self-awareness, courage, and vulnerability. They were key contributors to the progress she made. As a result of her efforts, Sophie opened herself up to three advantages that will help her approach life with confidence. Those advantages are empowerment, authenticity and self-acceptance.
Empowerment, authenticity and self-acceptance are the rewards of this practice. Through diligent self-awareness, and acts of courage and vulnerability, you will begin to know yourself, trust yourself, and accept yourself, as yourself. You will feel a sense of inner peace and trust that everything will be okay.
Like Sophie, like all of us, you are a human. We all deserve a chance to live a life worth living. Brene Brown says it best,
“You are imperfect. You are wired for struggle. But you are worthy of love and belonging.”
Intraconnection is the path to clarity, self-love and and personal freedom.
Know who you are. Like who you are. Be who you are.
I would love to hear how Sophie’s story resonated with you. Are there moments in your life where you’ve experienced empowerment, authenticity, or self-acceptance?